"Repair My Marriage!" - What You May Not Know About Love
"Repair My Marriage!" forums are all over the Internet and are a regular topic of discussion groups at community centers, churches, rehabilitation centers and psychologists' offices. The divorce rate in many countries across the world is alarmingly high - sometimes over 50% of marriages fail at some point. Many marriages fail after certain 'crucial times' - after the first 2 years, after 5 years, after 10 years. Some marriages even fail after 20 years, when kids have grown up and may be adults themselves in their own marriages. These seemingly alarming figures can sometimes be attributed simply to the fact that nowadays, divorce is a common, legal and mostly quick procedure. In past times though, it wasn't even legal and if it was it was usually instigated officially only by men in our old patriarchal society. But many marriages fail simply because they were 'never meant to be'. Some people might think they are in love, but these feelings fade after time and it's something almost every couple may have to deal with at some point in time.
Is It Really Love?
Contrary to popular belief, love is not the fiery passion that most people feel when they first meet someone they like. "Falling in love" is something that is pounded into people's heads by popular music, movies and culture. Neurologists and psychologists actually know that what we feel are chemicals in our brains that have to do with ancient survival instincts and 'finding a mate'. The human animal rationalizes this feeling and thinks about it, calling it 'love', when it is really just a manifestation of the prehistoric desire to procreate. That's not to say that the feelings a person feels towards another human being cannot be true feelings of love, but it's this initial 'urge' and 'sexual desire' that needs to be backed up by something more solid and foundational for a really long and purposeful marriage.
Falling Out of Love
After this initial period of 'lust' is over, many people come to the realization that they have nothing in common, or the things they did have in common were not really the same or sometimes even that one person lied about the things they had in common. This can be very traumatic and result in cries of 'repair my marriage', but in many circumstances people just need to realize that if there is nothing in common, there is nothing to fix. Some things just need to be left to die naturally.
A Spark of Love
This may happen two years, five years or up to even 20 years after a marriage. Some people have crises in their marriages at these key times and then make up. Then another crisis comes up later and they break up, or keep going. If there is really something there, hidden in all the misunderstandings, then the marriage will continue. But if there isn't it will fail. What is important in every step of the way is that the couple communicate effectively. It is important to understand that problems are never the fault of one person but as the saying goes, 'it takes two to tango'. One person should apologize for things they do wrong, but on the other hand, they should not give up all their pride and submit to the other person. That ends up in complicated situations of domination where one person feels oppressed by the other.
True Love
After all the talk of prehistoric procreative instincts and chemicals it may lead one to believe that true love is not possible. That's not true either. For some people, the 'repair my marriage' scenario is something they never come across. They may spend their whole lives in blissful happiness. For some, they may have crucial periods of their lives where they experience problems and recover. What's important to know is that it is a harmony of factors that lead to true love: they can be common interests, intellectual stimulation, sexual feelings, sacrifice during times of hardship and many more. True Love is there, but hard to see because of all the negative influences.