Helpful Tips for Marriage Reconciliation
If you and your spouse have decided to give marriage reconciliation a serious try before considering divorce, then there are several things you need to be aware of to ensure that the best effort possible has been made. The process will be a long one, no doubt fraught with trials and tribulations, but these helpful tips should point you in the right direction to reconciling your marriage.
Assessing Your Relationship
One of the most important things you can do to start down the right path is to assess your relationship prior to the falling out. If possible, sit down with your spouse and make two lists: one comprised of all the things that worked well in your relationship, and the other comprised of things that eventually led to the breakup. If making the list together is not an option due to emotional turmoil, or in some cases distance, then make the lists individually and share them at the appropriate time.
This is not going to be an easy task to complete, but it is imperative that you do this with an open heart and an open mind. Be aware that some painful things may be brought up in the lists, but they need to be put out in the open so that they can be worked through. Remember, at one point you were so content with each other that you vowed to spend your lives together.
When making the lists, take note of things that you are willing and able to change about yourself for the benefit of the relationship. This is key to rebuilding some of the bridges and trust that may have been damaged throughout the course of the breakup.
Discussing Compromises
Compromises are an important part of any relationship, not just marriage. Taking a cue from the lists you’ve created, discuss the items that you are willing to change. If the problem areas are lengthy, then start small with three things you can each work on. Perhaps one of you would like some alone time once a week. Maybe there are money issues that could be resolved by having separate bank accounts. Discuss these issues calmly and rationally, and keep in mind that the other person is going to be making difficult changes too.
If you are concerned that the discussion could potentially turn ugly, go to a peaceful public location to talk it out. Some people inadvertently use “home field advantage” and will subconsciously take control of the conversation, often times going on the offensive. Talking in a neutral zone will help remedy this, as no one will be in their “domain.”
Dating Your Spouse
This is one of the more enjoyable, albeit complicated, aspects of marriage reconciliation. Many people forget what it was like in their relationship when it was still in the dating stage, especially after several years of marriage. This is an opportunity for you to strengthen your bond and get to know your spouse as a lover once again.
Start off slowly. If the breakup was particularly bad, it is imprudent to assume that sex will be a given. You are using this opportunity to get to know your spouse for the person that they are and hopefully rekindle some romantic embers that are still burning. Avoid going for a date in any place that holds too many shared memories for you. Although it may be a romantic idea, these places have the ability to trigger bad memories as well. Instead, keep it simple at the beginning.
A dinner date is an ideal starting point when trying to woo your spouse once again. It gives the woman an opportunity to dress up and feel attractive, and the man an opportunity to show that he appreciates her and is not taking her for granted. If you are the male, take strides to treat this as a first date. Dress to impress and open doors for her. If you are a female, keep the conversation light and pleasant. Show your husband that you enjoy being courted once again. As the dating continues, begin going on more lengthy excursions.
Down the Right Path
Following these steps is in no way a guarantee that your marriage will be saved. That relies solely on the two of you. After the initial assessment, compromises, and dating, reevaluate where you and your spouse stand. You should be headed down the right path.
In some cases, marriage reconciliation may require the help of a professional mediator. There is nothing wrong with this. The important thing to remember is that you are both making the effort to right past wrongs and put the pieces of your broken marriage back together.