The Truth about Marriage Conflict
Happily ever after is simply a phrase that is found at the end of a story; all relationships face marriage conflict at some point. While this is normal and common, the difference between a successful marriage and a failed one is how the couple handles the conflict they face.
From the time we are born, conflict is part of our life. Why? Because each individual on earth is unique; with different ideas, thoughts, interests and beliefs that make us behave in the way that we do. It has been so since the beginning of time; the first conflict detailed in print is in the first chapter of the Bible. Sibling rivalry, peer pressure in school, parental adversity and dealing with co-workers; conflict accompanies each of us throughout the stages of our lives. It continues in the most intimate of our dealings with others. All relationships begin with great anticipation of wonderful things; laughs, love, fun and intimacy. Rarely do we see the negative sides of the object of our affections in the early stages since everyone tends to put their best foot forward. Once the relationship is cemented and each member of the couple feels more comfortable and secure, they begin to relax and behave in a more normal way, which includes showing their flaws. At first, the flaws seem endearing to the other because early love acts as a whitewash. Given time, however, the whitewash begins to wear away; revealing the flaws that, once so endearing, now become irritating.
Often, marriage conflict is confusing to those involved because it seems to appear from thin air. In any venue, it is rarely the conflict itself that causes the majority of problems; it is more commonly the response of those involved that serves as either a helpful tool or a detrimental one. In a marriage, there are typical issues that are at the root of conflict: money, sex, raising or disciplining children and the in-laws. These are by no means the only causes, only the most common. It is vital for couples to anticipate these issues and discuss ways to work together to deal with the conflict in a beneficial manner. Left unresolved, conflict will degenerate the positive aspects of the marriage, and could result in divorce.
Dealing with conflict is more difficult than it sounds. It often means being flexible and learning to compromise, giving up control and instead assuming a partnership. It is not an impossible task, however. Those couples who are able to rise above their differences and work together toward a common goal are those couples that hold hands on a park bench in their golden years. The most successful tool to use is productive communication; no yelling, no degrading the other and no belittling of the other’s ideas. Negotiating and finding the middle ground on any issue is the method to use to transform conflict into a positive energy that strengthens a marriage and bonds a couple.
There may be issues or situations for which the couple is unable to find resolution on their own; causing dissention and unhappiness in their previously happy marriage. Wise couples realize that this is the time to call in a mediator, and begin marriage counseling to find workable solutions to their problems. Family therapists can help a couple work through their difficulties and deal with any contention that exists between them, getting them back on the right track again.
Marriage conflict should not be feared, but faced; not ignored, but controlled. It should never be given a place of prominence in the marriage but be used as proof of a couple’s commitment to another and the success of their life together.